I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
