So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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