Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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