I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
