I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
A bitchslap is in order.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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