Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
