I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
