know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
the raccoons are back...
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