Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
