she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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