Non-Jews are for practice
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
