Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
