does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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