Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
