I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
