Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize