Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
