when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
