I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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