hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
