Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
