update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
