I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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