i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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