did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
