wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize