my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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