Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
