Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
