i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
