and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
