No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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