remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
