I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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