honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
