I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
