There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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