I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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