you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
