I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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