True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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