Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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