so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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