ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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