You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
