sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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