You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
