i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
