I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
