The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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