Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
