Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
