im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
