I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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