Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
