I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
