Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
