I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
