take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
