On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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