things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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