All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
