I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
