I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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