someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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