So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
