The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
