I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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