did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
